Been having quite a lot of free time recently and my mind just started to wander...Thought about things that happened in Ireland and concluded that the world out there is not as perfect and nice as I thought it would be. People are unreliable and not to be trusted. They do things the way they want, even if it's not morally right, It's always about themselves and their benefit. I used to wonder why do such people behave as such and then it dawned upon me that people might be doing such things to protect themselves, or maybe for some, its just them and their immoral values. I am actually still trying to figure that out.
My moods are really unpredictable. Was really depressed at one stage and then things seemed to pick up a little and was almost normal and now i feel it going down again. I think so lowly of myself. I feel like my friends or maybe 'friends' despise me now with all the shit i've done and the way i portrayed myself in the recent months or maybe for the past year in fact. I didnt mean to bahave like that, i didnt mean to do those things, i didnt want to...ED led me to do them. I wish they could understand that, but they'll probably brush it off as a convenient excuse. No one who has not gone through an ED can fully comprehend that. No one. I know ED has caused me to be like that, but i still feel disgusted at my behaviour and its hard to accept what has happened, let alone forgive myself. I feel like a monster, what have i become? Things have changed so drastically with ED.
When i go to bed, all i can think of is my foolishness and all that resulted from it. I long for the time when i could go to bed thinking about happy things, about j, about school, just like any other normal person my age instead of being tortured by thoughts that threaten to consume me whole.
Things have all changed with ED, so drastically.
