Was admitted to SGH about a month ago for 2 weeks. Initially, I kept very much to myself, didn't join the other girls in the ward much, was feeling so obese after every ginormous meal (team says its normal portions) and had to deal with it, was still heavily weighed down and feeling totally guilty about having to take a year off school, chased D&M away and the only times i felt a wee bit happier were when i was on the phone with J. In short, I was just miserable. However, things got better after a week or so and I started to open up to the other girls, bp urges were lesser and my mood improved. Was then discharged after 2 weeks, totally feeling not ready. I was afraid of sliding back into the ED.
Things went pretty well for the first week after discharge, still bp but less. Was really encouraged by the girls' advice during the day programme and felt really motivated to recover. 2nd week, bp episodes were there but few. However the urge to overexercise and bp grew stronger and stronger. Its the 3rd week now and things seem to be going downhill. Been overexercising and bp-ing (though i still pat myself on the back because i still try to fight the bp urges) and my mood swings seem to be coming back. Not good at all.
When i'm by myself, the unhappy thoughts just come back to me and i can't push them away. I just think how stupid and gullible I am. Having to take the year out makes me feel like such a disappointment and failure and that doesn't help the situation either. I am afraid of failing, very afraid. I cannot afford to. There is so much that i want to achieve in my life. I have a really big dream and i pray (and work) hard that its gonna come true (:
