Its a day full of mixed feelings. Had a session with smiley J today and was really a fruitful session. In the midst of all the confusion, lethargy, dipping motivation and confidence, this was surely something that was much needed. Its sounds ridiculous but its so true, there's nothing worthy enough to give up ED for, or maybe i just haven't found the thing yet. I have to constantly remind myself that I am fighting this battle for myself, not for anyone else. If not, its just going to continue as a losing one.
Also received a letter today informing me that i've been conferred title of college scholar for my performance in the summer 09 exams. I remember receiving a similar letter for my performance in the summer 08 exams but the reaction i had the last time and this time was totally different. This time i just read the letter, was slightly happy(or was i, actually not really), put it back in the envelope and didnt reveal any of its contents to people whom are deserving to know ie D&M. All i was thinking was how ive had to take a year out this year and how my peers are going to be ahead of me and what a failure i am. LOSER. Totally.
Thursday, July 15, 2010 // 11:07 PM
Been having quite a lot of free time recently and my mind just started to wander...Thought about things that happened in Ireland and concluded that the world out there is not as perfect and nice as I thought it would be. People are unreliable and not to be trusted. They do things the way they want, even if it's not morally right, It's always about themselves and their benefit. I used to wonder why do such people behave as such and then it dawned upon me that people might be doing such things to protect themselves, or maybe for some, its just them and their immoral values. I am actually still trying to figure that out.
My moods are really unpredictable. Was really depressed at one stage and then things seemed to pick up a little and was almost normal and now i feel it going down again. I think so lowly of myself. I feel like my friends or maybe 'friends' despise me now with all the shit i've done and the way i portrayed myself in the recent months or maybe for the past year in fact. I didnt mean to bahave like that, i didnt mean to do those things, i didnt want to...ED led me to do them. I wish they could understand that, but they'll probably brush it off as a convenient excuse. No one who has not gone through an ED can fully comprehend that. No one. I know ED has caused me to be like that, but i still feel disgusted at my behaviour and its hard to accept what has happened, let alone forgive myself. I feel like a monster, what have i become? Things have changed so drastically with ED.
When i go to bed, all i can think of is my foolishness and all that resulted from it. I long for the time when i could go to bed thinking about happy things, about j, about school, just like any other normal person my age instead of being tortured by thoughts that threaten to consume me whole.
Things have all changed with ED, so drastically.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010 // 5:59 PM
Was admitted to SGH about a month ago for 2 weeks. Initially, I kept very much to myself, didn't join the other girls in the ward much, was feeling so obese after every ginormous meal (team says its normal portions) and had to deal with it, was still heavily weighed down and feeling totally guilty about having to take a year off school, chased D&M away and the only times i felt a wee bit happier were when i was on the phone with J. In short, I was just miserable. However, things got better after a week or so and I started to open up to the other girls, bp urges were lesser and my mood improved. Was then discharged after 2 weeks, totally feeling not ready. I was afraid of sliding back into the ED.
Things went pretty well for the first week after discharge, still bp but less. Was really encouraged by the girls' advice during the day programme and felt really motivated to recover. 2nd week, bp episodes were there but few. However the urge to overexercise and bp grew stronger and stronger. Its the 3rd week now and things seem to be going downhill. Been overexercising and bp-ing (though i still pat myself on the back because i still try to fight the bp urges) and my mood swings seem to be coming back. Not good at all.
When i'm by myself, the unhappy thoughts just come back to me and i can't push them away. I just think how stupid and gullible I am. Having to take the year out makes me feel like such a disappointment and failure and that doesn't help the situation either. I am afraid of failing, very afraid. I cannot afford to. There is so much that i want to achieve in my life. I have a really big dream and i pray (and work) hard that its gonna come true (:
Friday, March 12, 2010 // 8:26 PM
The methods that I've been using to deal with my problems are way too destructive. I picture myself being a successful specialist, loving what I do and changing the lives of others, earning lots of money to give mum and dad a life so good its beyond their imagination and having settled down with J. At the rate I'm coping with my problems, that is never going to materialize, ever. I am afraid, very afraid. I cannot afford to and I don't want to fail, to be such a disappointment. I have had enough of the shit that I created, it's high time to stop and so I will.
